Do You Have a Boyfriend?

Of all the personal questions my students ask, this is the one that occurs most frequently. Last time I shared how I actually answer these inquiries... but here’s how I’d like to respond to them.

How to Be a Mediocre Boyfriend

The internet is teeming with articles on relationships, but a recent series of Google searches revealed a glaring omission.

"How to Be a Good Boyfriend": 508,000 results
"How to Be a Better Boyfriend": 61,900 results
"How to Be the Best Boyfriend": 272,000 results
"How to Be a Mediocre Boyfriend": 0 results

Fear not, internet denizens. I’m here to help.

First of all, the way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach, so it’s important to show that you can provide for her.

Next, always aim to be courteous. Even a small gesture can make a lasting impression.

Gifts can also be an important part of a dating relationship. Use these to show that you’re thinking about her – and they’ll also help keep you on her mind.

One-on-one time is essential for the formation of deep bonds, so plan dates where you’ll have plenty of uninterrupted togetherness.

As you converse with your girlfriend, remember the power of compliments. Say nice things about her appearance, her friends, and so forth.

Above all, be honest and don’t try to hide your feelings.

There you have it. Go forth in mediocrity!

Why Guys Should Hate Chick Flicks

I’ve heard any number of women complain that the males of their acquaintance refuse to watch modern romantic comedies. I’ve also heard many people criticize chick flicks for their reification of women into spouse-hunting she-Rambos. Often overlooked, however, is the shallow portrayal of men.

Chick flick heroes come in set types.

Theoretically these men have lives of their own, but only lip-service is paid to their careers, hobbies, and aspirations. They often gather with friends, but there’s only one topic of conversation.

In the world of the chick flick, certain ratios apply.

Have you ever noticed that “heroine” and “heroin” are only one letter apart? This may be etymologically insignificant... or is it?

Congratulations, gentlemen. According to chick flicks, you are an object meant to be manipulated, trapped, and eventually mounted on the mantel.

How to Be the Heroine of a Chick Flick: Flowchart

(Click to enlarge.)

Babylonian Wife Market

Finding the right life partner can be a daunting task. Fortunately, resurrecting an ancient Babylonian custom is sure to solve all these woes.

According to Herodotus, the first step is to round up all the marriageable women.

Then the auction starts.

Eventually the bidding wanes.

Fortunately, there is a solution for this.

The process continues until all the women are paired.

Sexist? You bet. Degrading? Absolutely.

But practical. Very, very practical.

Love Lessons from Literature: How to Snag a Mate

The first step when spouse-hunting is to find a suitable candidate. Do some research before plunging in. This will head off all sorts of potential problems.

Once you’ve selected your quarry, you have some options for how to proceed. One time-honored method is to revert to middle school and send a friend as a go-between. (Caution: this technique only has a 50% success rate.)

Another method is to ask for help from as many people as possible.

Then there’s the gender-bending method.

Of course, you have to remember to take care of any crazy exes first.

There you have it: literature will solve all your romance woes! Remember, if at first you don’t succeed...

Why You Should Never Get Married in the Winter

When the air grows cold and snow envelops the earth, the wise brew cocoa, make ice forts, and capture armies of squirrels to pull makeshift sleds. Only the foolhardy tie the knot.

Case in point: last December I finished a half-day of school and then skidded to O’Hare airport in order to catch my flight to Asheville, NC, where my former housemate was to marry her beloved fiancé. The weather, however, was not cooperating.

I became increasingly impatient and nervous as I stared at the departure screens of doom. Fortunately, the airport offered opportunities for distraction.

Eventually I joined up with two other stranded wedding attendees, and we began plotting strategy together.

My friends and I were on separate flights to Charlotte, so we planned to meet up when we arrived. The only snag was that we didn’t know when… or if… either one would make it. After hours of delay, I boarded my plane and prayed desperately that when my phone went back on it would have good news from my companions.

Once in Charlotte, I navigated the airport complex until I found a bus to take me to what I vaguely remembered as our car rental company. I waited.

My friends arrived just after midnight, and as we piled into the car we realized that we didn’t know what route to take… especially considering the large number of impassable paths.

Once on the road, we became downright giddy.

We also kept a careful count of all the cars abandoned on the side of the highway.

We had just tallied car #102 when we nearly became #103.

Thanks to our impressive muscles and vehicular finesse, we made it all the way to Asheville. Then we found the road leading to our bed and breakfast.

There was no help for it. On the advice of a scary-looking lady out for her morning smoke, we bid farewell to the rental car and trudged through the snowdrift.

We snatched two hours of sleep, and then it was time to befriend people with four-wheel drive so that we could actually get to the ceremony.

The wedding itself was, in a word… amazing. The air was crisp as we huddled inside the old wooden church, and the instrumentalists played heart-melting harmonies composed the by groom himself.

…and the reception had the best cakes and dancing I’ve ever encountered at such an event.

Even so, this did not stop me from extracting a solemn vow from all the attendees.

The end.