Decision Making

People have different mechanisms for making life decisions. Most of mine are based on what would happen if I were suddenly transported back in time.

About Me

Speech Therapy

I teach a class called "Modern Communication." The irony is that for the first ten years of my life I couldn't say my own name.

I was always very fond of my name.

...but I hated being introduced to people.

The letters "L" and "R" were my personal demons.

... so twice a week I had to leave class, descend a flight of stairs, and squeeze into a closet of a room with Ms B., the speech therapist.

Ms B. was a great believer in stickers...

... and in a special box.

But I didn't want a lacy, neon green shoelace or half a ripped Garfield comic book. Instead, I offered Ms B. a deal.

She really didn't understand.

Suddenly my diagnosis blurred. I was no longer the girl with the speech problem; I was the girl with the attitude problem.

Eventually Ms B. wrote me off as a lost cause.

Sixteen years have passed, and to hear me talk you wouldn't know that I'd ever had a speech problem.

But every time I say my name there's a fraction of pause before I attempt the syllables, and then my tongue lingers deliberately on the liquid consonants lest a "woe-wee" inadvertently escape my mouth.

World Domination: Christmas Style

Christmas finds the citizens of the world unusually full of warmth, cheer, and trust in the goodness of humanity. This widespread complacency makes December the perfect opportunity for global conquest.

The first step toward absolute power involves befriending a biologist and a lumberjack.

With the aid of your new friends, find the largest supplier of Christmas trees and volunteer to help fell the pines and firs. During the ax party, secretly implant remote-controlled capsules of sleeping gas.

Wait until a sentimental holiday movie hits the airwaves, and then activate the buried devices.

Sneak into the homes of the somnolent and extract all the gifts.

Sell the purloined presents on Craigslist.

With the money garnered from the illicit goods, commission a giant candy cane. Take this candy cane to the top of a mountain and wait for lightning.

If all goes well, the giant candy cane will split into many smaller candy canes, and each of these will have been brought to life by the jolt of electricity. You now have an army of candy cane warriors.

From this point forward, you really can't go wrong (you have an army of candy cane warriors, after all), so I'll let you figure out the rest on your own. World domination is just around the corner.