Open House Infiltration

This weekend is my fifth college reunion, and I'm excited to traverse the arduous four-tenths of a mile in order to revisit my old stomping grounds.

I'm somewhat bitter, however, at the fact that the foreign language department doesn't have an open house. In typical Lori fashion, I have therefore decided to attend the open house of every department in which I did not have a major.

The Political Science/International Relations professors have cleverly escaped by scheduling their session on Friday night, but sixteen other departments have their open houses at assorted times within a 2.5 hour block on Saturday morning. I have meticulously mapped out my schedule in order to grace all of them with my illustrious presence.

I've allotted seven minutes per department, during which time I will do the following.

  • Greet professors I've never met with a hearty "You remember me, don't you?"
  • Sample all the snacks and assorted goodies. Pick top three food-providing departments to return to next year.
  • Nod vigorously at all comments made by real department alumni.
  • Steal one book from each office and hide it at the next office.
  • Expound upon my exploits as a pharmacist/sculptor/army chaplain.
  • Offer to play matchmaker for any single attendees. Assign future spouses by interpreting the paths of squirrels running around on the quad.
I suspect that no one else has tried to "win" a reunion before, but that's okay by me -- I thrive on lack of competition.


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