It's well-nigh impossible to find a graduation card out of season, so I pulled a Victor Frankenstein to create this one my baby brother's acquisition of a math degree.
The Summer Reading Test I’d LIKE to Give
1. How much of the book did you read?
a. 85%
b. 90%
c. 95%
d. 100%
2. No, seriously, how much of the book did you actually read?
a. 0%
b. 1-40%
c. 41-70%
d. 71-100%
3. When did you read the book?
a. At the beginning of the summer, and now I’ve forgotten everything.
b. At the beginning of the summer – and every week since then in order to keep it fresh in my memory.
c. Last night in a desperate panic.
d. Never – see question #2.
4. If someone asked you the main character’s name, how would you respond?
a. “It was... um... oh look, a squirrel!”
b. “George, I think. Or Ishmael.”
c. “Yeah, right – like I’d tell YOU that!”
d. “Would you like to know the names of her nine cats as well?”
5. Define “read” as used in the sentence “I read the book.”
a. skimmed haphazardly while watching television
b. scoured each word for distinct nuances contributing to overarching themes
c. checked out from the library but never cracked the cover
d. asked a friend what I should know for the test
6. If you learned that this test had been specifically designed to sabotage students who only watched the movie, your reaction would be...
a. “Ha! That’ll show those slackers!”
b. “Hmm... I hope I remember the differences.”
c. “NOOOOO!!!”
d. “Meh. I’ll fail it either way.”
7. With which of these statements do you most agree?
a. I can’t wait to recommend this book to all my friends.
b. This book has changed my life... by destroying my faith in humanity.
c. It could have been worse, I guess.
d. I am imagining my English teacher burning in the fiery depths of Hell.
8. While reading the book, I found myself reaching for a...
a. chainsaw
b. kitten
c. glass of water
d. all of the above
9. How much of the book did you read?
a. I really did read the whole thing! Would you like to see all my marginal notes?
b. Okay, okay, I confess: I just did the SparkNotes.
c. None. Isn’t it obvious by now?
d. I turned to the 56th page and read the fifth sentence.
10 How much of the book did you read?
a. STOP ASKING THIS!!!
b. I don’t know... how much of your classroom would you like set on fire?
c. That’s it. I’m calling my lawyer.
d. Can I read it again for extra credit?
Why You Should Take Sword Fighting Class
Although at first blush sword fighting skills might only seem useful in case of zombie apocalypse or accidental time travel, they actually have many practical applications for everyday life.
Plus, it’s a great help with the budget.
Sword training also has fringe benefits, like sharpening your sense of timing,
improving your balance,
and honing your grappling skills.
Better yet, studying swordplay together does wonders for family relationships. It helps strengthen bonds
... and form new ones.
Prayer Chicken
Two Christians walk into a restaurant. It’s the first time they’ve been out to eat together, and when the food comes, there’s an awkward pause as each one wonders
The obvious solution is for someone to actually ask this question.
But this almost never happens. Instead, what follows is a game of prayer chicken: each person waits for the other either to pray or simply begin eating.
There are a number of tactics employed in this situation:
the fake out,
the ambiguous hand position,
and my personal favorite, in which I do nothing but drink water while smiling creepily at my companion.
The worst aspect of this situation is that neither party acknowledges that the game is being played, thereby doubling the difficulty by forcing them to make unrelated conversation.
This continues until someone capitulates, either by taking one for the team,
evening the score,
or eschewing religious customs.
Because of the inherent awkwardness of prayer chicken, no one ever really wins. Therefore, I propose the following identification buttons. Just print one out and wear it when the occasion demands.
Go forth and hesitate no more!
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